Why is it always me?

Another surgery meant another long period of recovery. This time I added a cedar arbor at the entrance to my patio complete with a matching cedar bench and two cedar adirondack chairs. It was fun, my daughter helped me put them together. We worked so late into the night we used her cell phone for light. Amazing! They were stable enough for us to sit in. We added a stone firepit in the middle and a large, 9 ft. umbrella. It looked beautiful! I surrounded the patio with Japanese Maples, Crepe Myrtles, Dwarf Junipers, boxwoods and Rose of Sharons-it was breathtaking.
I sat down to enjoy my accomplishment and again was on the way to the ER went the pain hitl The more pain I had the more depression I was feeling. A terrible cycle to get out of. I stopped talking to friends, dressing properly, talking to people, going to the store. Worst of all, I hid it from my close friends and my children.
I tried to hide it by being invisible. I would work slowly on another project. This time a natural stone path on the east side of the yard. I envisioned stepping stones with pea gravel all around, a rock ledge with a mix of formal and informal flowers and shrubs so that there was something growing all year long. Lastly, a winding landscape of evergreens, peonies, roses and lariope. A cedar trellis or two to create a beautiful display of Don Juan roses and more Altheas in different colors.
This took me another two months, and finally in October the yard was complete! The neighbors loved it. It brought people together to enjoy the outdoors, my daughter and friends roasted marshmellows on the firepit. And I, felt good. Until December 13, 2010-everything changed. One of the hardest days of my life.

Designing my Garden

So, as I sat and slowly recovered from each surgery and medical procedure I walked around my yard. Looking at the things that I enjoyed about it and envisioning a place that could be even better. My escape from the reality that I was sick and not getting better anytime soon. I was determined not to sit inside, watch TV and just sleep. Even if I was outside in my jammies, at least I was out!
The back of my house faced south, which I enjoyed during the day but I wanted to enjoy the sunset's to the west. Kansas sunset's are actually very beautiful! The west side of my yard was very flat and I had enough distance between my house and the next house that I could have a beautiful sitting area. The perfect place to watch the sunset and wave to the neighbors walking down the street.
Again, I started my day at Lowe's. Going and buying large pavers to lay down so that I could create a patio. I only bought a few at a time. I did not have the strength and energy to do much more then that. It took several weeks but I finally had them all down in a large rectangle, maybe 15x20 and I created a paver walkway that led to the front driveway. I was lucky and did not have to dig or level anything. It was not perfect but I was ok with that. I had lived too long being perfect at my job, I enjoyed doing this on my own, on my own term with my own imperfections. I am not perfect so why should my patio be? I then used tiny pea pebbles and spread them over the entire surface so that the pebbles fell into the grooves of the pavers. It gave it the look of small little pavers that I had put together to form one large patio. Ha! A trick to the eye! I was so pleased with what I had accomplished! During my trips to Lowe's, I got to know the Lawn and Garden employees pretty well. They knew I was sick and could tell when I was having a good day or a bad day. I look forward to seeing them and telling them what I was working on because I had sheltered myself from everything and everyone else. So, I needed to completed another project. The patio could not be finished because then I had no reason to go back to Lowe's. What was next?

Get your friends attention to read my Blog!

As I am telling you my story, I know that I will be sharing some things that many of you have faced either professionally or in your personal life. Maybe some of your friends have been impacted...either way, I will be sharing advice to help overachieve the obstacles that are keeping you from beings successful at work or home-or happy. I spent much of my career in Employee Relations/Human Resource Management and have dealt with quite a lot. It is interesting for me to reflect back on how I was unable to use the same advice I was giving my HR clients-kind of like not listening to my mother!

Back to the Garden

After 8 long days in the hospital I came home pretty weak, much thinner and depressed. What I was in the hospital for was not resolved and I was given a home regime to assist me. One of the suggestions was light activity that I could tolerate. Too tired to really do anything, not able to eat and I sat on my deck and just stared at the yard. I had lived in my house for 9 years and had never really done much to the yard other than just maintain it. Remember, I was the crazy overachieving, workaholic, volunteer and single mom. I did not have time for much more. Besides all of that, my youngest daughter was training as an Elite Level gymnast, 35 hours a week and had just placed 7th at Western Nationals. I could barely drive her back and forth to gym. The only thing I could do was get up and go to Lowe's, the one place close by that I felt comfortable. Just walking around at this point would be good for me.
I was very sad though. I missed being at work. Making critical decisions. Mentoring new leaders. I did not miss the hours and being on call 24 hours a day but I missed using my mind. Now I was just sick and non-productive and the only decisions I was really making was to either stay in pajamas for the day or actually get dressed-believe me, that what a tough decision!
For the next week or so I did the same thing everyday. Sat on the deck, went to Lowe's and came home. I did not buy anything. I was too drained. However, I did not realize it at the time but my mind was being creative, I was making decisions. They would eventually come to light later on and help bring me to where I am today.

The pain!

I was feeling really tired, drained and not very happy even though I had accomplished quite a bit. I decided to do something that I never do-take a break for myself. I sat down and tried to read a book and within 10 minutes I experienced such a terrible pain in my stomach I thought I was going to die. I knew it was not my appendix, because that had been removed years earlier. As I have said before, I am a single mom. My girls were not home at the time and even if they were they were too young to drive.
I crawled out of my house to the neighbor seeking help, but she was unavailable. The neighbor across the street came running over to help me, got me in the car and rushed me to the emergency room. I was in so much pain I did not care that he had been drinking. It was a Sunday, sports was on and he must have been celebrating in a special way. Even though I was in serious pain I was laughing in my head that I was allowing my drunk neighbor to drive me to the hospital. **Next time, I will just call 911**
What was something relatively minor turned into a nightmare, with an 8 day stay in the hospital that is still impacting me today-I am not ready to share that yet. You will have to wait and see.

Hello Happiness!

I had no choice but to dig up my two dead "hardy and resilient" plants. They looked sad and pathetic in the front yard for everyone to see. I felt like that myself and envisioned my neighbors, friends, family even my daughters, looking at me the same way. The always "hardy and resilient" mom now looking sad and pathetic. It did not matter to me that is was not my fault, I did not choose to get sick and I did not choose to leave my successful job. Nonetheless, there I was digging up the plants I felt sorry for and feeling sorry for myself at the same time.
I was still lucky though-I was able to go back to Lowe's and walk the outside lawn and garden in the sunshine. This time I was on a mission...I decided to buy what I liked, what I thought would look good in the yard and to just try my best. Sounds simple doesn't it? Most of us do that everyday with basic things and don't even think about it. However, for us overachievers, the ones that are really hard on ourselves, it's not that easy. I must have purchased 15 different types of shrubs and flowers that day. I was proud of myself for just taking a chance. Wow, that sounds silly. Taking a chance on buying flowers. What a wild and crazy day. I unloaded the car and spent the next several days arranging the plants in different places, stepping back to the street to look, checking out the curb appeal. I was taking this serious. Some of the plants died before I could plant them. Some just did not look right with the style of my house. Some I kept and eventually took the chance again and planted them. Aaahh, I was relieved that it was done. I was not happy though and did not know why. I did what I set out to do for the day. What was going on?

Goodbye Money, Hello Happiness

I am curious how many of you are working your jobs day after day, making pretty good money but really wishing you did not have to go back? The demands at work, running home and making dinner (still in your work clothes of course) driving your kids to soccer practice, volleyball, whatever. Then, off to get gas because you are still driving on empty, quickly going to the cleaners before they close so you don't have to wear the same silk blouse to work twice in the same week. Hurry, because practice is over and you have to pick up the kids, get home, clean up, help them with THEIR homework because the teacher assigned homework to the parents (that is crap by the way), yelling at your husband to mow the yard because the neighbor made a smart remark about it (if you're a single mom you have to mow it yourself, so hurry up). Great, the dog pooped in the corner again and nobody picked it up! Let me guess, it is about 10:00 now and you still have not had a chance to go to the bathroom?! However, you get paid pretty good money, have health benefits, so you're stuck doing the same thing everyday!
I loved my job that I had for 16 years, I loved the money and I love feeling important. I did not love that life was passing me by, the kids were growing up fast and I felt like I was in a constant state of anxiety.
I GOT LUCKY! I got sick. Very sick.
In the last two years I have had about seven surgeries, have been treated at the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota and need one more-going back in February. Lucky? Yes! I was forced to give up the chaotic pace of life and discovered real true love and happiness. During times of recovery I worked in my yard. I was not a gardener, did not know much about plants or flowers, but spending time outside helped me. I went to Lowe's everyday and looked at the plants and flowers. Read all of the tags, took pictures, smelled the blooms. It was quiet and peaceful. I started off buying two plants that said they were "hardy" and "resilient". They lied. However, I enjoyed buying them, figuring out where in the yard to plant them and admiring my work. Until they died. I was still lucky...I will tell you why later!